


Into the Unknown

by useyourimagination



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Autistic Kara Danvers, Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Stuttering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22279804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/useyourimagination/pseuds/useyourimagination
Summary: Kara is a philosophy student and loves to discuss it with Lena, who is completely delighted by Kara's beauty and sweetness.
Relationships: Agentreign - Relationship, Supercorp - Relationship
Comments: 160
Kudos: 361





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! A little background story before you start: I'm an autistic girl and have had a stutter since I was a child (yeah that is an actual problem that happens even when you're not nervous). Since no one ever talks about it I decided to write this and explore a little bit of those two.  
> A thing you should notice during while reading: stuttering is different for every stutterer. Repetitions (of syllables) are only one symptom of it and I myself also suffer from prolongations and blocks (in a milder way). Also, stutterers can get caught up in the middle of their words, or in the end (not only in the beginning). I tried to portray those speech disfluencies through the writing and hopefully you will understand it too. For whoever wishes to get to know a little bit more about stuttering, this link could provide some additional information: https://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/stuttering/, but I am also available to talk (and would love to spread some knowledge) about it.  
> English is not my first language and I'd love if you message me about any mistakes or pieces that could sound weird.

Kara hated restaurants, or at least the ones Alex used to go to. It was for her one of the worst places on earth, except maybe a mall's food court. She agreed to come to this dinner because she did not want to disappoint her older sister – who is announcing her engagement with Sam to her friends – but Kara was surprised as she walked in. People were quiet and a very soft music was on. Fidgeting her hands and staring at her feet Kara followed Alex and Sam to their table, where she sat down and waited for their friends to arrive.

Alex had picked out that restaurant exactly because it was a quiet place, different from the bars and pubs she enjoyed attending. She wanted her sister to come and feel comfortable, not only because it was an important day for her, but also because she was worried. The girl had just moved from a small city to National City, to start University and Alex knew very well that her autistic sister did not do well with change.

Lena was the last one to arrive and after greeting everyone she knew, the Luthor proceed to the only seat available, right next to whom she presumed to be Kara. The blonde girl was stimming with a hair elastic in her hands and seemed quite nervous about the situation. Kara breathed in and out as she had learned to calm herself down, but it was hard to focus when everyone was already talking around her.

“Hey! I’m Lena, Lena Luthor.” said the brunette, gently touching Kara’s shoulder to get her attention and sticking out her hand. The blonde stood up and vaguely made eye contact with Lena but felt the weight of her eyes instantaneously. The woman was very much flawless, and even though Kara was taller than her, she felt so small. “You must be Kara? I guess I’ll sit by your side tonight.”.

“Hi, um, Le-Le-Lena.” Very awkwardly, Kara stock out her hand and greeted the woman. “That’s right, I-I-I am, Ka-Ka-Kara. Kara Dan-Dan-Danvers. I’m A-Alex’s sis-sister.”.

“You s-s-should, um, sit-sit-sit down” Kara was embarrassed about the amount she stuttered. Yes, it always got worse when she was nervous but that was ridiculously bad and her face turned immediately red. Alex was carefully listening to their conversation and let a smirk out, noticing how nervous her little sister was. Nervousness completely understood by the older woman though, Lena was one of those people you could just tell that are powerful, her posture makes you feel fragile and Alex knew that very well.

Lena sat down, but was oblivious for a few moments. She had a soft smile on her face, examining every detail of Kara. Her cheeks were red and Lena asked herself if Kara was embarrassed by her presence. The woman was strong, you could tell she probably worked out, her arm muscles were very much apparent and that caught Lena’s attention, needless to say. She was wearing a black sparkling dress and flat shoes and she looked graceful. She had two braids on each side of her head, leaving some of the hair loose. Lena was completely lost on her beauty and sweetness. _What is this even, Lena? Calm the fuck down_. Words were echoing inside her head as she was trying to focus on the dinner, but her mind kept moving back to Kara.

Kara’s head on the other side, was running miles, her counselling sessions replayed in her head but she could not think of anything to say. The silence between the two women was making her more uncomfortable than the actual talk. She started to get nervous because the dinner would probably last longer than two hours and how is she going to talk with Lena for two hours if she cannot even think of what to say now? Is she even supposed to talk to Lena?

“You have beautiful eyes, Le-Lena.” Kara spited out these words without thinking much about it and Lena seemed definitely surprised with the girl’s affirmation, which Kara noticed and panicked. “I’m sorry, was I not supposed to say that? I didn’t m-m-mean it in a b-bad way or anything. I just think you have re-re-really nice eyes. Also, I wanted to s-s-start a con-con-conversat…”

“Thanks, Kara.” Lena interrupted the girl before she started rambling more with a soft smile on her face. “It’s ok, you don’t have to worry.”

Luckily, the embarrassing situation for Kara, was interrupted by Alex, who continued to listen to her little sister starting a conversation “Hi guys! Thank you all for coming today!” She smiled taking a glance over her friends, John and Kelly her coworkers; Lena, who works with Sam; Clark, Lois – who were married – and Lucy; Nia, their neighbor and her boyfriend, Querl. “I guess now that we’re all here, we can tell the big news!" Alex grabbed Sam's hand and they both stood up. Sam proceed to say: "We're getting married!" which was followed by a bunch of applause and cheers to the brand new wives.

\---------------------------------------------------

As they waited for the food, Lena decided to break the silence between her and Kara “So, Kara, you’re a student. What do you study?”

“I’m a Philosophy Student. I’d l-like to be a te-teacher. L-l-loud environments make me nervous though, but I currently work in a school with a friend, Nia, doing some paperwork, and I’m l-learning how to deal with that.”

“That’s interesting. Why would you choose philosophy?”

“You really think so? M-m-most people think it can be-e-e, um, kinda boring. I didn’t know whether I should study li-li-literature and li-li-linguistics or philosophy.” Kara faces Lena and takes a moment to appreciate the CEO’s green eyes – or were they blue? She has definitely one blue eye and a green one.

Noticing how long she had been staring at the woman, Kara moved her eyes back to her plate and continued: “I figured that I, that I-I, should try the one I can at least s-say the name of.”

Lena laughed and Kara was all red again. She could not help it. “You know it’s a joke, right?” Lena nodded and noticed Kara’s blushing face. They had just begun talking to each other but you could tell Lena was laughing way too much at Kara's joke. The adrenaline rushed through her body as this might have been the Luthor very first love at first sight.

“I-I-I do know you own L-Corp. What is it li-like?”

“It can be very stressful to run my own company. But I enjoy making white and old men angry.” Kara looked to Lena and smiled, hoping she would say more. “I am a scientist and I work with different kinds of things, such as technology and biomedicine.”

“Why do you make them angry?”

“They usually don’t like to obey women with power” Kara smiled with what the woman said. "But it also takes a lot of patience. Whether you like it or not, they're men with power and sometimes I depend on them to make a decision."

“You’re a genius, aren’t you? I can re-recall Alex t-t-talking about you.”.

“Well, you could say that. But I’m sure you’re a genius too, aren’t you? It is definitely not easy to study philosophy. I don’t think everybody can handle what you learn.” 

“This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities” Kara quoted “A philosopher named Bertrand Russell said this once and I don’t be-believe that there is s-something truer about philosophers than this.”

Lena stayed quiet so Kara could continue talking about it, but it took the blonde a couple of seconds to realize she should go on. “Most people, they d-d-don’t really think. That’s why they’re so caught up in j-jobs they don’t enj-joy, always so s-stressed and thinking about money all the time.” Kara was now looking into Lena’s eyes. “If they ever stop and think ten minutes on l-l-life’s meaning they’ll fall into an existential crisis for a few d-d-days, and then find a way to distract themselves from it until it happens again.”

“I-, I-I, I learn how to question. I learn how to think of the most absurd things in life and I don’t get to p-p-panic in middle of class. I am aware of life and its meaninglessness and I get to be happy with what I have.”

“That sounds pretty genius to me.” Lena’s words made Kara look down and she turned her eyes back to her hands. "And also so simple."

"It isn't, I'd say. Honestly, philosophy m-m-makes me sad so-o-ometimes." Kara mentioned. "There are so m-m-many things I wish I could change about the world, but I'm just-just me." 

Kara continued without giving Lena a chance to answer. “Do you even believe, um, in philosophy? I mean you’re a s-s-scientist, isn’t it all about l-living forever and curing cancer or something?”

“Well, yes, I’m a scientist. What science cannot answer is just metaphysics and that I have no properties to talk about. I try not to get caught up in things I have no answer for.”

Kara considered Lena's eyes with confusion. "But I mean, you also ha-ha-have no answer for curing cancer and I'm sure you'd still try to do it. Why is it d-d-different from philosophy?"

Lena smiled with the girl’s question, even though she was genuinely confused. "I might find a cure for cancer one day. It is within my limits as a human. But all those rhetorical questions and ethical dilemmas philosophy puts us through, that I cannot answer. I don't know if life's worth living or if I should run the train over five people or one person." 

"I m-must confess, I'm not a big fan of this train d-dilemma either." 

“I’m not a big fan of philosophy, I must confess.” Explained Lena with a disappointing look on her face "I'd rather be saving lives than thinking about its meaning. But, I’m sure this is a topic that interests you, so I might as well give it a try.”

Kara happily answered. “I like you Le-Lena Lu-Luthor, but your name is very hard for me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all of the comments! I totally did not expect so many people to read and like what I wrote :)  
> Also, I'm still thinking about a new title.

Lena woke up that Friday to the same ring tone as she did every day for the past year. She did have to wake up early quite often because of her job at L-Corp but she definitely did not enjoy any moment of it. She prepared herself a warm bath and took very relaxed forty minutes to finish it.

Lena changed into a three-piece dark blue suit and before she left, observed as National City grew louder with the rising sun, all the way up from her three-hundred-meters penthouse right in the center of the city. It was, after all, pretty nice to be rich.

The Luthor drove her BMW to her favorite place in town – a small and cozy café – if Lena were to describe a happy day, it would simply be drinking a coffee in there and heading straight to her laboratory, where she could work helping people, and of course, blasting some pop music on her speakers. 

“Good morning Jess! How are you today?” In a good mood, Lena asked the cashier who already recognized the customer.

“Feeling good today. TGIF!”

She laughed with the girl’s response “I’d like the same for today.” and went to find a place to sit as her morning caramel latte with a croissant got done.

Lena stopped right in front of the table where she used to sit straight away recognising Kara Danvers, sitting all alone. She was about to call her out when she noticed the girl was using headphones and had her face stuffed into a book, she clearly did not want to be bothered. She hesitated to walk away, long enough for Kara to notice that someone was staring at her. Kara took off her headphones and even though she was not a fan of surprises, this seemed like a good one.

“Hi Kara, I didn’t realize that was you.” Oh, well, Lena is clearly lying.

“Good morning Le-Le-na, are you le-leaving? Would you like to sit down with me?” The sentence came out of Kara’s mouth but she herself was not sure she had said the right thing. It is the polite thing to do, isn’t it? “It’s ok if you d-d-don’t want to. I’d understand. I d-d-don’t enjoy talking in the morning, but if it’s you, then it’s f-fine, well...” Kara started rambling and before she could keep on going, Lena interrupted.

“I’d like to sit with you.” Lena took a seat in front of Kara and noticed how her eyes quickly ran away from the visual contact. “Do you come here often? I mean, I come here about three days a week and I’ve never noticed you.”

“This is my first ti-ti-time here actually. My therapist told me that I-I-I should make small changes on my routi-tine sometimes so I don’t get too ups-set when they happen out of my control.” She paused “I don’t know if this is valid though, because I totally planned for this morning stop. I didn’t plan you though, not that I’ve been fo-fo-following you to know you come here every-every day. That is just coincidence.”

Kara was becoming nervous with the situation, she was afraid of saying anything wrong because that is what usually happened and she often would not understand what she said wrong. She began to stim with her hands under the table.

“It’s a start.” Lena must have had a big smile on her face, because Jess gave Lena a winkle as she left her order on the table.

“You know Kara, I’m a very busy person.” Lena said that jokingly, which Kara did not realize. “But, after our conversation at the restaurant, I found some time and I started watching this TV show called Merlí, do you know it?”

“I do! It’s about Philosophy… so that means you like philosophy now?” Kara said this so happily she started flapping her hands around, but quickly stopped herself.

“I like the show, I’ve also been doing some research. I bought this book from Nietzsche and I thought I’d be able to understand it, but it made me really confused and all of this nihilism? This is crazy.”

“Nietzsche was crazy, and he al-so d-d-died crazy. The guy was f-f-freaked out, I’m telling you.” Lena laughed. “Seriously sp-peaking, he suffered from m-multiple psychiatric and physical illnesses. His w-w-work is ve-very hard to understand. I haven’t been able to finish his books yet as well.”

“I am teaching a class next week about death. It’s gonna be m-my first class ever. I’m nervous about it. I was gonna ask A-Alex, but now that you li-like Philosophy maybe you'd li-like me to present it to you? I don’t know if it s-s-sucks, you could give me some feedback and maybe it can help you.”

“I’m always free on Sundays.”

"What?" 

"I mean that I could come over to your house on Sunday." 

“That’s great! I’m always free on Sundays too.” Kara answered with a big smile looking into Lena’s eyes, they still had definitely different colors.

They took a moment to finish their breakfasts. Lena was at ease, she was the CEO of L-Corp, she stood up to men every day at work and yet, there she was, looking at Kara with her heart over one hundred, hoping she would say the right thing, that she for at least once, would not screw this up.

Lena did not believe in love at first sight, but she would be lying if she said she did not get just a little horny by talking with Kara. Lena could very easily listen to her talk all day long, it was pretty clear for everyone around her how Lena looked at Kara, but the blonde did not seem to get any glimpse of it.

“What were you reading before I arrived?”

“A book on epistemology”

Lena did not know what that was, she had never felt so stupid regarding a subject and that felt weird. She needed to study more philosophy, that is very clear. She kept looking at Kara until the blonde could interpret her face of confusion.

“Oh, you don’t know what that is… am I right?”

“No I don’t and I don’t like not knowing things.” Lena crossed her arms and made an exaggerated angry face at Kara that made her laugh.

“Epistemology is the s-s-study of knowledge and how we come to have it. So basically: how do you know that what you’re drinking right now truly is coffee? And how do you know this is real, if you haven’t been fooled into believing you’re drinking coffee?”

“I just know it, I mean, I believe it’s coffee.”

“There is this philosophical skepticism that basically say that acquiring any knowledge as a human being is impo-possible because there is no way to know that our knowledge is in fact r-r-real.”

“Why would I even doubt that this knowledge is unreal and if it is, how?”

“Well, some people like to put it on this brain-in-a-vat. You’re a s-s-scientist, so it might be easy for you to imagine a bunch of electrodes wired into this b-b-brain telling it that it’s drinking coffee with one of her friends’ sister, how can you prove this isn’t the case?”

“There is a theory that fits this feeling you have. It was made by the philosopher G. E. Moore. He says that in order to prove that the outer world is real, you can just look at your hands.” Both Kara and Lena looked at their hands as Kara continued to explain “Hands are external objects; therefore external objects are real. This is how I know you’re real, and I’m real too.”

“Some things, you don’t have to prove. You just know it. Just li-like you know you’re not dreaming and you know you’re d-d-drinking coffee. If anyone tries the skeptical views on you to convince you otherwise from such a basic simple everyday knowledge – that your ha-ha-hands exist – you should then d-doubt the philosophical argument and not the ba-ba-basic knowledge.”

“But, of course there are some problems with this theory, just h-h-how there are problems with other theories, but I’d be talking way too m-m-much it’d be boring.”

“How come philosophers come up with such theories?” Lena says, trying to make sense of what Kara just said.

“Well, it’s easy. A f-few years ago, everything was different. Philosophers were the kind of pe-people who were in complete idleness. No phone, no book, just doing n-nothing the whole day. That’s h-h-how, um, they come up with those ideas. Today, in philosophy, there is n-nothing really new. Everything is just adapted fr-from what has already been said, because no one is at complete idleness anymore.”

“In my opinion, epistemology is one of the hardest f-f-fields in philosophy. That’s exactly why I-I’m reading a book about it. There are way too m-m-many ‘ifs’, questioning every single thing we might believe it’s real.” Lena listened carefully.

“Is there anything I can know for sure?” Lena asked.

“Honestly? I d-d-don’t think so. Maybe we’ll have the answers when we die, or m-maybe not. But there isn’t a s-s-single thing in the entire world that we know for sure, even our own existence.”

The last sentence stuck with Lena for the rest of the day, she asked some more questions but after everything she had heard, she could not focus on philosophy anymore. She just agreed to everything Kara said and took the time to fully enjoy the view of her blue eyes and blonde hair, not thinking of the great possibility that it could be all just a dream. Kara was very real to Lena and the feelings that the girl caused in her stomach were too.

“I should get going Le-Lena, I have a class in thirty minutes and I like being early.” Kara started packing her stuff into the bag.

“Hold on.” Lena said and started to look inside her purse for something. “Here, take this.” She handed Kara her personal visiting card. “In case you want to do something totally not planned, call me. I’m going with your sister and Sam to a bar tonight, you should come.”

“Is it l-l-loud?”

“A little, yes.”

Kara was about to ask Lena another question about the lighting in there, but stopped herself. She was just twenty-one years old, she has the right to enjoy places like everyone else does, she was not a kid anymore.

“I don’t li-li-like t-talking on the phone, but I’ll come.”

“Text me your address then, I should pick you up at eight.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is another chapter! Thank you all again for the amazing comments. It just makes me incredibly happy to see that you like it. Also: I hope you all stay safe because of all the corona virus stuff.

As soon as Kara finished her classes for the day, she ran to get her bicycle and head to the school where she worked. During the whole morning, she could not stop thinking about Lena. This was a weird feeling, usually she could not stop thinking about words, song lyrics, philosophical problems, but a person? That is definitely new.

Kara enjoys biking because she feels as if the only thing she can focus on while riding is herself, she has all control over her movements and her speed, or at least most of the times. Today, although, it was quite different, clumsy as she always was, on that Friday Kara was ten times clumsier. She passed through a red light and almost fell into a huge hole on the bike lane, she was racing, but she could not stop. Loud music was playing on her headphones – that most of the time were just on noise cancelling mode – hoping it would make her thoughts change the focus as she rode the bike, but this was a lost game for her, she kept thinking of Lena. She had this feeling in her belly that she could not identify, it was like happiness but she felt like she was about to burst happiness, if that even made any sense. She wanted to dance, sing and jump around.

Out of breath and totally agitated, Kara arrived at the school, ignoring the noise coming from the kids at their lunch break. Needless to say, everyone started to wonder what the hell this girl was doing when Kara burst the teachers’ room door open, but back in the corner of the room, Nia already knew who the girl was looking for.

“Hey, what’s up? Why are you so agitated?” Nia gently grabbed the girl’s arm and guided her outside, she was a little bit worried, usually when Kara was this nervous, it was not good.

“We, um, we g-g-gotta- we gotta- t-t-t-talk.” Kara barely managed to get the words out as she tried to catch her breath.

By this time, Nia was properly concerned and so she held Kara’s hand and took her to her empty classroom and told her to sit down, which Kara ignored.

“I-I-I, I- don’t k-k-know N-Nia, I-I’m fe-fe-feeling so… funny.” Kara began walking in circles in the classroom.

“Hold on, you gotta take some deep breaths, you can barely get your words out.” Nia offered her bottle of water to the girl.

“I know, I s-s-sound so bad t-t-today.” Kara kept on taking some deep breaths, it helped to reduce her stutter. “I m-mean, I sound so bad r-right n-n-now, but that’s be-because I’m really exc-c-cited. I met Le-Le-Le… Le-Lena this morning on the coffee shop, we talked and it was so-o-o much f-f-fun! We t-t-talked about phi…phil-losophy.”

“Why do you always get stuck on her name?” Nia had already noticed Kara’s difficulty when saying the Luthor name, after the dinner they had with Alex, of course little Danvers made sure to ask everything Nia knew about the woman.

“L’s are the har-hard-dest ones for me. The combina-na-nation of her name is impo-possible.” She continued “Anyways, the thing is: I ca-can’t s-stop thinking about her. She asked me if I wanted to go out with h-her tonight and I said yes, now I have this fe-fe-feeling inside my be-belly when I think about it.”

Kara paused and looked around the room, coming to the answer she deep down already knew. “Ni-Nia, I think a l-l-like Le-Le-Lena.”

“Oh. My. God.” Nia started to laugh.

“Why are you l-l-laughing?” Kara started itching the back side of her neck, she usually does that when she is getting nervous.

“Hey, don’t worry. I just think it’s funny that you came up to me, all worried because you didn’t realize you have a crush on Lena Luthor.” 

Kara took a moment to think, Lena was her first _crush_. She remembers when she asked Alex how she knew she was in love with Sam and Alex vaguely responded that she just knew it. She knew when she looked Sam in the eyes and when they were together, she _just knew it_. Kara spent months thinking about the answer her sister gave her, how can you just know it? There must be some kind of rule or test she can take and get the answer, right? Well, apparently, there was not, because Kara was standing right there looking at Nia as she realized, she likes Lena and she _just knows it._ She smiled like she had just entered an ice cream shop.

“Love at first sight, huh?” Nia said.

“Does it really exist?”

“You’re the philosopher here, dear Kara. I’m sure one of those white old men you like to read must have said one or two things about it.” 

“Well, Plato talks about the la-la-ladder of love – the admiration for someone’s physical appearance is just the first s-s-s-step, that will build into appreciation of things like wisdom, truth and morality. Bertrand Russell says that 'To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead'” She took a moment to think. “Other than that, there’s not m-much I know about love, I n-n-never really thought about it.”

“That’s fine! We don’t have to rush things up now, let’s just focus on your date tonight!”

Kara did not like the sun, she was grateful that is was there every day to keep humans alive, but she would rather stay in the shadow with her sunglasses on and that is why she was so white, but the girl had gone completely pale as soon as the word _date_ came out of Nia’s mouth.

“Nia, what? Le-Lena did not say da-da-date.”

“Not everything is literal, my dear. She might not have said it, but she meant it.” Nia grabbed Kara’s shoulder. “But don’t worry, I’ll help you.”

The school bell rang and the teenagers began to enter the class and take their seats as Kara made her way to the door knowing their conversation was not over.

“You just gotta get to know her better, like you did this morning when you met her.” Kara was worried and Nia could see it through her face. “Everything will be fine!”

Kara was acceded to watch the biology class, her principal, Mrs. Prince used to send her to random classes, so the blonde could learn how to properly teach one. But the rest of the day was torture for Kara, she could barely pay attention to what the people around her were saying. Her head kept replaying the word _date, date, date, date, date, date_. The words coming out of the teacher’s mouth went by her like an annoying refrigerator buzz as Kara tried to focus. _One, two, three, four, five, six._ She counted. _One, two, three, four, five, six._

_Date._

_Date._

Have you seen Mrs. Prince’s new haircut?

This class is so boring ** _._**

****

_Date._

Let’s hang out tonight at Audrey’s place.

_Date._

_One, two, three, four, five, six._

Kara stood up and left the classroom running to the last cabin of the teacher’s bathroom, she could go in there whenever her thoughts became too overwhelming for her to handle. It was probably the only place quiet enough for her to organize concentrate. She was fine, she was safe. _Yes, Kara, you are fine, you are safe. It’s just a date._ Her thoughts would occasionally become too much for her and she could not control them, as much as she tried. Everything had been harder since she moved, adapting to a new routine was not one of her strong characteristics.

She felt for a moment as if she was all the way back in High School, when each day was stressful and hard, she felt so angry and unhappy every night when she returned home but she did not know why. Turns out, respecting her sensory limits was important in order to have a good mental health. 

Kara only realized how long she had been locked in the bathroom when Nia approached and knocked on the door.

“Hey Kara, are you in there?” Kara unlocked the door and let Nia in. “Should we head to your house so I can help you with tonight? Or do you want to call Lena and tell her you can’t go?”

Kara hated the fact that small things like the mention of a date would make her nervous like that. She wished for at least once, that the world around her was just a little less confusing. She looked Nia in the eyes and said “Date. Yeah, we should go.”

\--------------------------

“Are you sure you want to wear a hoodie that says, ‘Born to Fly’ on a date with Lena?”

“Why would I not wear it? It’s my favorite hoodie and it ma-makes me feel comfortable.”

“As far as I am concerned, Lena is rich, I mean _very_ rich and so is Sam and Alex. If I were you, I would wear something fancier because you’re probably going to an expensive place.”

“I don’t know what wearing fancy m-m-means, Nia.”

“Where is that jean jacket you had?” Kara pointed to her wardrobe, Nia grabbed the jacket and put it over the hoodie. She was wearing black pants, a dark blue hoodie with the jean jacket over it and white Adidas shoes. Kara was, after all, a beautiful young adult and nothing was ever bad on her.

Kara checked her phone to see a text that she just got from Lena: **_I’m gonna be there in five minutes._**

****

“She’s almost here. I should wait d-d-downstairs.” Kara froze as she reached the door and began to walk back and forth. “This is n-n-not gonna work. I should j-just stay home.”

Nia grabbed Kara’s hand, they both sat down on the couch.

“Come on Kara, you can do this. Count with me. One, two, three, four, five, six” Nia hugged Kara tightly. “Remember, ask questions, you want to get to know her; listen to what she says; be yourself; if you start feeling scared or like you’ll panic, let her know, Lena is a good person.”

Kara made her way downstairs to find Lena standing up next to her car. “Right on time!”

Lena was wearing a black dress and a coat, you could tell she had some makeup on and earrings that she was not wearing in the morning. She looked indeed the most beautiful woman in the entire world and Kara could not help but express her happiness with the most beautiful smile Lena had ever seen. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Can I say thank you again for all of the comments? They all make me really happy.
> 
> One thing is that I forgot that the drinking age in the US is 21 so I'll be editing the last chapter where I said Kara was 20 and from now on she is 21.
> 
> Stay home and safe. Wash your hands!!!

Lena made her way around the car and opened the door for Kara to get in. The blonde, did not seem physically nervous, like Lena expected her to be, but Kara’s legs for sure felt like fifty kilos each. 

It was already dark on an autumn night and the cold air filled the car as Lena drove through the city. Kara was still, she would rather concentrate on the humid air after a rainy afternoon. The silence in the car, did not reflect although, Lena’s mind. The strength which she held the steering wheel made her nails hurt on her hand’s skin, showing that Lena was just as nervous as the girl sitting by her.

It all began when Sam started to work at L-Corp. It was a scape for both Lena and Sam to go to a bar on Friday. When Ruby was born, Sam needed those happy hours more than anything else, it was in one of those nights that she met Alex. They fell in love like a fairy tale and Lena watched it slowly by the other side of the table soaking up a tequila shot every time they kissed.

She was happy for her friends, but a loneliness filled in as she downed the second bottle of wine alone in her living room on a Friday night convinced that love was never going to work out for her.

“Alex tried to te-te-teach me how to drive, but it’s really hard to f-focus on the outside and ins-side at the same time.” Lena jumped slightly on her seat because she did not expect to hear from the girl so soon.

“Oh, s-s-sorry, did I scare you? I didn’t realize you were concentrated.” Kara was concerned she could ruin the date at any moment and scaring Lena ten minutes into it was not a good sign.

“Don’t worry, Kara, I was just wondering if your sister is gonna wanna kill me.”

“Chill, Le-Lena. Alex can look angry sometimes, well, she actually kind of is, but I like you and she wouldn’t be m-m-mad at some-one I like. You’re f-fine.”

“I’ll believe you.” Lena looked at Kara with her most beautiful smile.

“Is this your f-f-first time?” Kara paused for a second “Go-going out with a girl… or a boy… on a da-date? I mean I d-d-don’t know if this is a da-te, I hope it is because Nia trained me for a da-date, even though you didn’t specifically say so. But, it’s also ok if it isn’t… I me-mean I was j-just wondering whether you ha-have experience with this or n-not, of course it would be-be okay if you didn’t, I was jus-.”

Lena interrupted her rambling placing her hand on Kara’s lap. The touch made the girl completely freeze like a statue. “I could say I have some experience with dating. I’ve gone out with girls before – I only do girls just for clearance – but it’s never gone too far, you know?”

Lena explained carefully as she let go of the girls lap and placed it back on the steering wheel. Kara’s body relaxed and she let her breath out, but she made it look very gentle. The girl didn’t want Lena to think that she was uncomfortable, she just had no idea how to react to that.

“This is a date – also just for clearance – and I’ve gone to dates before, I was a very horny teenager and I did a lot of stuff, but it never turned out to be something more serious.”

“Uh, Le-Lena, I wouldn’t have expect-ted it from you. You lo-look so serious in your CEO clothes.” Kara managed to get a laugh out of Lena and, wow, how happy Kara was to hear her.

A few minutes longer into Lena telling Kara some of the nasty things she did when she was in High School, Lena pulled over to the bar they were headed. The valet man recognized Lena’s car from far away, but she was often recognized no matter where she went. Lena had a hard face to forget, but that was not only a result of her beautiful blue eyes and smile, rather because she was on the newspaper or TV at least once a month.

“Miss Luthor, good to see you again.” The man opened the door so Lena could get out of the car, he then noticed Kara sitting in the passenger’s seat. “You’ve got company! Do you want me to…?” He pointed at the door.

“No! I got it, thanks.”

Lena moved around the car, opening Kara’s door and sticking out her hand. Kara grabbed it as if she was a Hollywood star, she had learned that from the movies. Kara did not let go of Lena’s hand as they walked inside.

Unlike Kara thought, the place was not too bright, it was actually perfect. The music played softly on the background and even though it was busy – something to expect from a bar on a Friday night – the tables were far from each other and the place was huge, so eventually the noise got lost in the middle of so much space.

Lena’s heartbeat was so fast she could barely hear anything as Alex and Sam approached her with a hug. Kara noticed her hands were freezing cold and wondered if it was somehow wrong for her to come with Lena, but she didn’t really think so, therefore, these thoughts went away quickly.

“Kara!? Hey, you’re here! But you don’t like bars… and I didn’t know you were hanging out with Lena.” Alex was surprised and honestly quite confused when she noticed her little sister standing behind Lena in the bar.

“Hi Alex. Well, I met Le-Lena this m-m-morning at a café and she invi-vited me to come with her and I s-said yes.” Kara explained “I freaked out about it f-first, especially when Nia told me this was g-going to be a da-date, which Le-Lena had not mentioned, but I still decided to co-come and try it out.”

_A date?_ Kara was on a date with one of Alex’s best friends and she was not sure how to deal with that information but really it should be fine, right? Both Alex and Sam know Lena, and her fiancée knows the Luthor family even longer than Alex and they were highly trusted by Sam, consequently Kara should be fine. But she has never dated before… what if she does not know how to deal with those things, what if it becomes way too overwhelming for her?

Lena noticed that Alex took time to think and in order to let the woman digest the information, she decided to show Kara around and get them some Margaritas.

Sam held Alex’s arm gently and whispered in her ear “Kara’s got this, my love. She’ll be fine.”

“You’re right. I’m just worried, Sam.” Alex responded as she sat back down. “You know Kara, relationships are hard for her. It used to be so overwhelming for her just to go to a friends’ house and spend the night, can you imagine her going over to Lena’s to spend the night? She’ll wanna watch Frozen and eat popcorn, how will she get the cues? What if Lena’s blanket is too itchy or her room too dark? She’ll call me to pick her up and what will Lena think? Do you think she’ll understand it?”

“How is watching Frozen and eating popcorn wrong? Who doesn’t like Frozen?” Sam joked. “Look, she’ll learn it. We can help her, Nia can help her and she has a therapist. I know you’re worried, she’s your sister, you’ll always worry about her, but she’s got this, okay? Lena is a good person, she will understand it. Let’s also not get ahead of ourselves, this is just a date.”

Sam took Alex by the hands and looked her in the eyes, Alex leaned in for a kiss and then continued to drink out her beer. “Do you think I should allow Kara to get drunk tonight?”

“It’s not like you can forbid her, is it?” They both laughed. “Little Danvers is getting older…”

“She for sure is…”

\-----

“My girls are back! Do you like the place Kara?” Alex said just as she grabbed one of the Margaritas from Kara’s hand.

“I am impressed Alex. I honestly thought you’d only go to those noisy parties that you took me with you once.”

“I am grown woman now and I have a job, which means I get enough money to buy myself some fancy drinks.” She took one slip of the drink and crossed her legs, getting Kara to laugh over her ‘fancy manners’.

“What are you guys up to tomorrow?” Sam asked. “We’re going to an amusement park with Ruby and thought it’d be fun for you to come.”

“I d-d-don’t do amusement parks, Sam, sorry. Tomorrow I also should plan my class on death. I'm teaching Le-Lena.”

“Since when does Lena like philosophy?” Sam asked emphasizing the ‘since when’.

“Since she met Kara, of course, don’t you understand love at first sight?” Alex answered and quickly enough both of girls on the other side of the table looked like tomatoes.

“I’ll be meditating because next week at work will be stressful.” She finished her soda “I’m trying to gather this team of people that will help me develop a new airplane software. I’m worried about the last airplane crashes because they shouldn’t have happened. I want to do something better. That’s why we’ll be having a meeting with the owner of a big airplane company and hopefully he’ll accept our deal.”

“Did I just hear a _we?_ Does that mean I have to join you with your new airplane project?” Sam took a long slip of beer.

“Don’t be dramatic, you like airplanes just as much as I do!”

“Just because they’re way more bureaucratic than most of the daily things I deal with.”

“Wow, Le-Lena, I never knew you liked airplanes, you’ve got to tell me all about your n-n-new project! I love flying!” Kara was so happy she began to flap her hands.

As soon as the girl realized she could talk with Lena about everything she knew on airplanes and ask her questions without being called out for doing so, the time went flying by. They spent the next hours talking so much, it became eventually boring for Sam and Alex because they couldn’t focus on their own conversation, taken the enthusiasm which both girls were talking, and so they left.

Lena explained to Kara everything she had been working on, from huge airplanes to non-seeable bacteria she tried to find a cure for. Kara listened to everything carefully and mind wrote all the questions she had, so when Lena stopped talking, she could ask them and keep the conversation going. Kara did not even know you could get along with someone that well.

Kara could go on all night talking with Lena, but by two in the morning, she got a text from Alex, asking her if it wasn’t already late for them to be out. Alex did that because often when Kara was focused on something, she would completely forget about sleeping, eating or going to the bathroom and unlike her little sister, most of the people found basic health quality important, even if they were focused in something cool.

Lena was in fact already tired so she proceeded to pay the bill, Kara tried to say she was going to be the one paying, because that is what happens in dates, isn’t it? But deep down she was so happy Lena did so, because she would have been totally broke if she had to pay that amount of money.

The ride home was calm and the atmosphere between the two women was comfortable. Lena made sure to park the car and lead Kara into her apartment, despite the girl saying she would be fine going alone. The Luthor, said goodbye with a kiss on the Danvers’ cheek and went home feeling the happiest she has ever been. Or would it be in love?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry about the delay, turns out my computer charger broke and I didn't have 100€ to get a new one so I had to contact Dad™. 
> 
> This chapter will talk about Terror Management Theory that basically tries to establish a relation between our way of living and death. The first time I read about it, I had a bad existencial crisis (probably being in a really crappy mental health state and spending about three hours researching about death totally contributed to my crisis), but I just want to warn you before you jump right in case you are sensitive to this topic. If any of you wish to talk about life, death, TMT, I am definitely opened to discuss about it, so don't hesitate to message me.
> 
> Thanks for the nice comments last chapter:) STAY HOME!!!!!

Alex came over that morning to help Kara out with some cookies she was preparing for Lena. Cooking was definitely not one of Kara’s pros but she wanted her sister to come more because she needed to be distracted rather than helped by someone that morning.

As the cookies were taken out of the oven and the smell spread through the house, Alex ordered Chinese food and they sat together to eat. Alex could not help but notice Kara moving her chopsticks impatiently with her fingers.

“Are you nervous about this?” Alex asked.

“Most of my fears are irrational, you know that. I d-d-don’t like talking in public. And she is the Lu-Luthor, how am I supposed to compete with a ge-genius? She’s on TV every week.”

“Kara, you have accomplished so much! Remember in eighth grade when you hid in your closet so you wouldn’t have to do a presentation?” Alex laughed as she remembered finding her scared sister in the closet.

“What a d-d-day.” Kara responded with a smirk on her face “I never did the presentation though.”

“You’ll see that in the end everything will be alright!” She looked at Kara in the eyes “But it doesn’t help if I say it, does it?”

“I’ll be nervous whether you say it or not, but it d-d-does help to have you here.” 

“I know, I’m amazing at my job.”

“What job?”

“Being the older sister!”

One hour later Alex left, giving Kara a good luck hug and about twenty minutes of Kara pacing around her couch, Lena knocked on the door.

Kara took some deep breaths and opened the door, confident that this time she would fluently pronounce Lena’s name and so she did “Hello, Lena!”

“Hi Kara, good to see you again!” Lena went straight for a hug and gave Kara a kiss on the check that made the girl blush.

Lena walked in and looked around, Kara’s apartment was big for someone her age, but Lena’s guess is that Alex is the one who pays for it. There were big windows all over the place, but all covered by curtains.

“You don’t like the sun, huh?” Lena asked.

“Not too much, I guess you can tell.”

“So, you like it romantic…” Lena said it smiling but Kara’s face became completely red and she looked up to the woman, not sure what to respond, but Lena was not looking anymore, instead she analyzed the apartment. 

The Luthor had been to the place before when Alex was the one living there, but it looked completely different. Kara had toys all over the place, together with what Lena quickly imagined to be about three hundred books. Kara had Legos, figures of every Disney movie you could think of and way too many CDs.

“So, would you li-like some cookies?” Kara placed them on the table in the middle of the living room and sat on the couch “Mom never allowed us to eat in the li-living room so when I’m alone, I li-like to eat on the couch, and watching TV at the sa-same time.”

“I do that all the time!” Lena took off her coat and put it aside on the entrance, together with her purse and sat on the couch in front of Kara.

It made Kara think that she was the one who was supposed to take off Lena’s coat and purse and put it aside, but just as always, she forgot the important steps into being a polite human being.

“Are we good to start?” Kara said it after some minutes of small talk.

“Yes, sure! I brought some paper, should I get it to make notes?”

“No, you just have to listen. You are also allowed to eat and if you n-n-need to use the bathroom you can just ask, but it shouldn’t be lo-long.”

Lena straightened herself up on the couch and Kara took some deep breaths before she started. Her hands were shaking, but that was not uncommon for her. She knows that she has it all in her mind and all she needs to do is put it into words, even though her brain and her mouth sometimes wouldn’t do the things she asked them to do, that’s why she stuttered.

“Le-Lena, when did you first realize you were going to die?” Kara turned around and kept going “Not when you were a child and s-s-something bad happened, and you asked your m-mom what happens after de-death. What I me-mean is, when did you realize that one d-d-day you were going to not exist? When did you realize that one day you would ha-have no consciousness and that knowledge bo-bothered you so much, you had to go out to get s-s-some fresh air?”

Lena did not even have to think it through. “When my dad died, I suffered a lot, it was a hard period for me as a teenager. It wasn’t until one year later that I realized, as I watched the night sky that whatever happened to my dad, made me never be able to see him again.” Lena paused “Whatever happened to him, he was gone, forever. And that was going to happen to me to.”

“And what did you do afterwards?”

“Well, I remember studying a lot and also drinking illegally sometimes.” Lena thought for a moment. “I remember that this realization made me feel bad, sad and upset. It was very hard for me to cope… oh, and I also joined the soccer team.”

“Perfect!” Kara said it louder than she should have “You see, the price we pay for being so clever is the knowledge that one d-d-day we will die. We li-live in the shadow of a pe-personal apocalypse.” Lena payed close attention not sure where Kara was headed.

“You know Harry Potter, right?” Lena shook her head in affirmation “They me-mention it on the second movie, the Philosopher’s Stone. People looked for it for many, many years and in the end of the b-b-book, Harry and Ron almost died trying to keep it safe, and do you know why it was so important? Why people desperately l-l-looked for it?”

“Because it gives you the power to heal any type of illness and prolong the life of anyone who has it.”

“Yes! Exactly! Now, every culture, in the history of mankind, has a place, or an object or a p-p-plant that is meant to gi-give people eternal life. Ancient Egypt had the Ankh, Europe had the alchemists, and so on.” Kara paused and looked Lena in the eyes “What most people do not realize, although, is that we also tell these same old s-stories to ours-selves these days through science.”

Kara walked around the room and continued “Every achievement of medicine began with the h-hope that it could give us eternal life, eternal youth. Hormone treatment began a hundred years ago, hoping that it would make us young forever and now, new treatments with stem-cells are being developed and then there’s this hope to find a way for our cells to keep re-re-regenerating forever. It’s the same story over and over again, the story that tells us, we’ll be able to live forever.”

“But, Kara, many of medicines advancements gave people who would die in their twenties or their thirties a chance to live until their eighties. It was not a chance to live forever, but a chance to stop dying from literally everything.” Lena explained “Medicine isn’t just about finding a way of living forever, but helping people live better lives in the time they have.”

“Yes, yes, that is true, Le-Le-Lena. I am very thankful for all medicine has done, if it wasn’t for it, I would have probably di-died of pneumonia when I was t-t-ten.” Kara paused and walked around the couch “Philosophy can sometimes be a little black and white. It really does not ma-matter to the person who ca-came up with this theory, if today, hormone treatment helps transge-gender people live a happier life, but what actually ma-matters is that it was invented so we could keep l-looking and fe-feeling young always and that gives humans a sense of relief of death.”

Lena was a little skeptical about this, but did not let it show. Kara expected that her reaction would be something like that. It was predictable because people do not like it when their beliefs are contradicted.

“People also tend to believe in resurrection. Mostly Asian originated religions like Hinduism and Buddhism believe in it. So, we’re all g-g-going to die, but that is okay! Because eventually we will come back as someone else. It might be a close fa-family member or someone completely ran-d-dom. Yes, I won’t remember it, but I will be resurrected.” Kara walked around in circles “Some people believe that their faith will bring them back and some believe that science will. So, when I die, I’ll freeze my body and when science develops enough, they’ll bring me ba-ba-back. And again, it’s the same story.”

That one hit Lena a little stronger than the last one. She was skeptical about religion, but as a scientist, she would be lying to herself if she said that she never thought of freezing her whole body to come back later, the idea seemed quite interesting to her, but with research it all looked way too scary when thought through.

“Ok, I get it, Le-Lena, you d-d-don’t believe in resurrection, it’s okay.” Kara said it in an exaggerated disappointed voice, looking at the floor “But, what you d-do believe in, is that you will keep on living as a soul, am I right?”

_Is she right?_

“You will die, but, there will be someone waiting for you and if you are good enough, or if your heart weights less than a feather you will live on… as a soul. Your essence will keep on wandering around.” She paused “Or maybe… you would rather have your m-m-mind updated to a software where you can keep on li-living! You won’t have a physical body that g-g-gets old and ugly, but your consciousness will be safe. I am sure this idea fits you be-better, you’re a scientist and you probably trust technology more than people. And, you will be able to live forever!”

“The same story, again.” Lena completed.

“Oh, Le-Lena, I am s-sorry, I am such a fool!” Kara meant it ironically, but Lena couldn’t really tell, _mind note to help Kara with her irony skills_ “You’re a scientist, of course you d-don’t believe in resurrection or in a soul. I’ll take a guess and say that the medicine part got you at least a little bit convinced. But, what you truly believe in, is legacy. You will die and that kinda sucks, but you made yourself a name! A very hard one if I may say. You’re the Le-Lena Luthor! People will re-remember you for ages and you will leave your legacy on this earth. You will be remembered.”

Kara was right, Lena had thought about it before, leaving a name behind that would make her family proud. It was important to her. People would benefit from what she researched for many years and she would be remembered. She would leave a legacy behind.

“Well, if I may disappoint you one more time, this is also a story we tell to fool ourselves into the illusion of living forever.” Kara looked into Lena’s eyes “What I am trying to say, and what I said in the beginning was that ‘the price we pay for being so clever is the knowledge that one day we will die. We live in the shadow of a personal apocalypse.’ And by personal apocalypse, I mean that we live in fear. When we be-became self-aware, we realized that one day, we might as well not be self-aware anymore, we won’t exist and we won’t know it. This knowledge led to an extreme fear of death. This f-f-fear was so intense that in order to co-cope we shaped our entire so-society and way of living in order to forget about it.”

_Okay. This is getting interesting._

“To cope with death, we created a b-bunch of stuff that ma-made it easier to find significance and immortality in our world.” Lena listened closely “We created culture, and pay attention, culture is extreme-mely important to keep ourselves sane. Within culture, there is nationalism, money, hobbies, faith. These things give us a sense of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the feeling of being special, of feeling a valid and protected human being within society, the feeling of mattering, a comfort to our meaningless lives.”

“I could list se-several different experiments that shows us this, but I’ll use what you gave me, about yourself. You s-s-said earlier that when encountered with the pure knowledge that you’re going to die and that your li-life is meaningless you engaged in school, you studied and you joined the soccer team.” Lena could see exactly where Kara was headed “That gave you a fe-feeling of self-esteem, you were special, you were smart. You were a part of something, so after all, you weren’t alone! You mattered to that team. It gave your life the illusion of meaning, it ga-gave you the chance to run away from the knowledge of death.”

Kara could not tell what Lena’s face was trying to show, maybe confusion?

“Do you see it better now? Whenever we are confronted by the fact that we are going to die, we need something to makes us feel a little bit bigger than we are. We need something to push that feeling all the way ba-back down into our unconsciousness.”

“I see your point and it makes sense and that kind of scares me.” Lena answered.

“Judges were asked to give their opinion on a case, some of them were reminded of the fact that they were going to die, some weren’t. The ones who were reminded of death chose to give the person a fee of over $400, the ones who weren’t chose a $50 fee.” She continued “The thing is, judges have their laws. These are their values and what makes them feel as a part of a group. When they were remi-minded that they were gonna die, their anxiety increased so much that they needed to find a way to push it back down. Their way was to find in their laws a stronger meaning of community, that is why, the person who disrespected their community was worth a $400 fee and not $50. Not because of what they did, but because the judges needed that stronger feeling community when confronted with death.”

“And I guess this doesn’t happen only to judges, does it?”

“No, it happens to everybody! Americans who are reminded of their death tend to be more hostile to other Americans who share different political opinions. Germans will sit further from Turkish people and Christians will be less accepting towards Jewish people.”

“So, when people are reminded of their death, instead of trying to be more loving and compassionate to others they become more hostile and turn stronger to their own personal beliefs because they are so scared of dying that they need to feel part of something to cope with the fear and meaninglessness.” Lena said.

“Yes, Le-Lena, exactly! You get it!” Kara flapped her hands “Our biological reflex to preserve our lives has created symbolic structures of immortality. That basically means that everything we do, everything we build in life, communities, nationalism, hobbies and so on is the result of our need to escape the fear of death.”

“I understand what you’re saying, but if we created communities to deal with our fear, isn’t that a good thing? Not everyone wants to talk or think about our mortality, some people just want to live a good life and not care about what’s ahead of them.” Lena continued “If we turned out fear into helping communities, that should be a good thing, right?”

“That is a very good question!” Kara was overly excited about this discussion “The problem with the communities we create is that they make us neglect other realities. We need these communities because we can’t think about our fate. The feeling of self-esteem they give us is that it can ma-make us feel better than others, such as the Nazis or a bunch of wars that existed d-during our history. They also make us neglect our nature. Our communities are better, are more developed than animals, so we might as well kill them. Our communities need resources, so we might as well destroy the nature we live in.”

“We li-li-live in the illusion of progress, in the idea that history will not be meaningless and still we have no good relationship with the environment around us, with the pe-people around us.” Kara walked around “In Africa, a bunch of countries have internal conflicts because the European forced coloniza-zation, different communities with different beliefs ended up in the sa-sa-same country. Now, I do not defend in any way the colonization from European countries in Africa, but because of that, their countries are doomed to civil wars be-be-because of this sense of na-nationalism, of heritage, of le-legacy! So, ma-many people die because of fear and they do-don’t even know.”

“So, what is your solution to that problem? What would you do to ma-make it stop?” Lena sounded a little bit pissed at this point.

“The thing is, my dear Le-Lena, everything is meaningless. Not a single person or thing in the universe beholds an explanation to why we’re he-here. But does it matter? Should we be doomed by fear? Should we live our whole lives trying to push down our fear or can we use it to live a be-be-better life? I believe we c-c-can. I believe we don't need to find ourselves in caught up in stupid na-na-nationalism or mo-money. I am happy with the life that I have and I am unhappy about death, but just be-because a book is going to ha-have an end, it doesn't mean it's pointless to read.”

Lena thought a little longer “If life is meaningless and our own communities are just our way to get distracted from our fear of death, what is the answer? Why? What is the answer?”

“Oh Le-Lena, not even Nietzsche could find his way around nihilism, do you re-re-really think I can?”

“Is this really gonna be your answer to my thoughtful question?”

“Don’t fool yourself, death scares the shit out of me li-like it does with everyone else. What got me into philosophy in the first place was lo-looking for the answers. I couldn’t just li-live my life and settle with si-simple explanations. I needed answers.” Kara paused and walked to the couch, where she took a seat by Lena’s side “But the only thing I found were more and more questions.”

Kara leaned forward and bit one of the cookies she made and she was surprised about how incredibly good they turned out to be. She put it back down and looked Lena in the eyes.

“I think a lot about Nie-Nietzsche. I kinda wish I could have met him. I think that he was a ve-very sad man, but there is one thing that he always talks about and that always ma-made him happy: dancing.” Kara looked down “Sounds quite funny, doesn’t it? The big nihilist philosopher liked to spend his time alone dancing.”

Kara looked at the window, the sunlight gently passing through her curtains and turning the environment comfortably bright until she finally continued “Whenever your thoughts become too scary, it’s the outside that can provide the answers, ma-maybe, just maybe, you have to forget it for a while and find be-beauty in distraction.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks again for all of the support. Before you start, please have in mind that inside my own mind Metropolis and National City are somehow close and cold (even tho I know they're pretty far and have different climate but since it's a story we can pretend, right?).

The two women sat quietly on the couch, both unsure how to keep the conversation going after such a heavy topic was brought up because anything they would talk about now, just seemed, well, meaningless. Kara thought that she should have probably planned something to fill in the uncomfortable silence after a philosophy discussion, but she didn’t. This time, the bell wouldn’t ring and the kids wouldn’t leave the classroom. Lena was still sitting on her couch.

Lena was the one to break the silence moving slowly closer to Kara. “Doesn’t it help you to know that most people share this fear?”

“Not at all.” Kara responded. “If everyone has had the same fear for over thousand years of our existence, do you know the only thing they ha-ha-have in common?”

“I don’t.”

“They’re all dead.” Kara looked back to Lena, that by this time was just a few inches away.

“This is what you want to teach a bunch of fourteen year olds?”

“Yes! It’ll be so fun!” Kara excitedly moved her hands around.

“I’m sure it will go great, but you have to text when you’re done to tell me how it went.”

“I will!” Kara paused for a moment, staring at the floor. “I googled you.”

That is not what Lena expected but she responded laughing “Any cool facts you wanna share?”

“I watched some interviews and you have incredibly good public s-s-speaking skills, I was surprised.” Lena laughed. “You are also way too often in the ma-ma-magazines, apparently, people in National City see you as a fashion icon.”

“Well, I am, what can I say?” Lena had a smile on her face.

“You are very private though, I couldn’t find much more.” Kara said as she leaned forward to get one cookie.

“Is there anything you wanted to know?”

Kara thought for a moment before saying anything, she looked around, outside the window, at her feet, until finally right into Lena’s blue eyes. “Is it cool to be fa-famous?”

Lena’s smile was pure, large and after all, joyful. Not a fake one, like she used to do when posing for pictures, it was true because she could have expected a thousand other questions, like the ones she is always asked during interviews, but only Kara could have come up with that one.

“Sometimes, yes, most of the time not so much.” Lena paused “It’s amazing when I get to talk about things I did, or things I’m working on and people actually care about them. I like it when my knowledge is spread and I get to meet a bunch of people who help me put some new ideas together. But when it’s just a bunch of paparazzi’s taking pictures of me while I’m trying to get somewhere, it’s annoying.”

Lena considered Kara’s blue eyes that matched perfectly with her soft skin and her blonde hair. “Would you like to be famous, Kara?”

“Yes! I mean, I think it would be super cool because I would get to m-m-meet Katy Perry and ma-maybe also Kristen Bell! But I was sitting on bed the other day and I just thought, if everyone has a picture of me, if everyone knows who I am, I can’t control it. That sounds s-s-s-cary.” Kara explained. “Do you know what I mean? I have no power over what people might, um, do. It’s as if my fa-fa-face belongs to them.”

Lena, tired of seeing headlines with her name on it, many of which had some kind of fake information or speculation about her love, academic and professional life, knew exactly what Kara meant. She couldn’t control what everyone was saying about her and her family and quiet was all she wished for sometimes.

“I know what you mean.”

Lena was so close to Kara at this point that their bodies were in full contact and her hands were touched, expectedly the blonde became rigid, her hands that were before moving around had stopped and it took a moment for Lena to realize why.

_She was in the doctor’s office_ , _not her regular doctor, but a new one. Alex stood by her side and held her hand. ‘Kara’s heart rate is over one hundred’, the doctor mentioned ‘You should schedule your sister a cardiologist appointment.’_

_‘She just has a hard time with touch and new doctors, she is fine.’ Explained Alex._

_‘Well, if that’s what you say.’_

_Then Kara had her first kiss, at 16 with a boy in the back of Amigos, a burger restaurant back home. Her friend had told her where to put her hands during the kiss, but still she was quite confused about the whole thing. ‘How close am I supposed to be after the kiss is finished? Should I hold his hand?’ She asked._

_‘You’ll know it, don’t worry.’_

_(She didn’t know it)_

_One year later, she met a girl during a party Alex was hosting in their house. After some minutes of rehearsed small talk, Kara invited her over to her room, she did not like people touching her things, but it was clear to the blonde that it was the right thing to do because that is what they do on TV._

_They both laid in her master-sized bed, Kara had her head towards the window and Tonya had her head to the other side. She asked for consent and touched Kara’s thigh, tracing her fingers slowly through her body. Kara counted from one to six trying to maintain a normal posture and not flinch with the touch. But she couldn’t help it as the girl reached closer to her mouth, she counted but she couldn’t control it. She counted and counted but she couldn’t do it._

The only touch that has ever made her feel safe was from her mom and sister. When Alex strongly held her when she did not feel good. When she asked her mom to lay on top of her after a long and loud day. She felt safe, she felt good. Affectionate touch on the other hand, Kara never thought she was going to be able to experience. She felt uncomfortable, she did not know what to do. She counted from one to six, trying to get used to the slight touch of the woman by her side. She counted and before Lena could place her hand somewhere else Kara relaxed.

“Do you live alone, too?” Kara smiled looking at the window, now, a little more comfortable that her hand was touched by Lena’s.

“Yes, my mom and my brother moved to the other side of the country. They’re working on expanding the company’s business over there.” Lena said. “But I’ve lived alone for four years now, so even before they left.”

Kara got up and looked over the street through her window. “Back home during winter, I enjoyed looking over the frozen fields and I felt a little bit like Elsa from F-F-Frozen.” Kara starred at her feet. “I’m excited to see how winter feels like in the city.”

“You should come over to my apartment, I live high up on a building, during winter you can see the whole city covered in snow.” Lena said. “One of my favorite things in this city is to watch the snow fall from up there.”

“Were you born here in Na-Na-National city?”

“No, I was born and raised in Metropolis, which isn’t far from here. Doesn’t your cousin live there?”

“Yes, Clark and Lois live there. Clark is my cousin and Lois is his wife.” Kara turned away from the window and sat back again on the couch. “Clark is really ni-nice, he’s my favorite cousin. Not that I ha-ha-have another one though. He also s-s-stuttered as a child, but he doesn’t anymore. I still do. But he helped me a lot.”

“Have you tried speech therapy before?” Lena felt silly for asking it because even though she has never met the Danvers mom, she knew Eliza was a doctor and for sure she would have looked for help.

“My whole life. It doesn’t really work for some people. They teach you h-h-how to breath and so-some techniques that reduce the stutter, but eventually your brain finds a way around those techniques, so you just ha-have to learn to accept your speech.” Kara explained. “In school, it was harder be-because kids don’t really get it. They think it’s about being ner-vous, and for me it also is, but I’m not fluent when I’m calm either.”

“There’s no cure for it, is there?”

“Neither cure or research for one. It only affects one percent of the po-population. It’s not worth it.”

“Would you choose to speak fluently if you had the chance?”

“That’s a ha-hard question. I wouldn’t erase it from my whole li-life because I believe I learned a lot from it, but, um, if maybe I could just wake up tomorrow and s-s-speak fluently, I think I mi-might accept it.”

“If I could change anything about myself, it would be my fear of flying.” Lena said seriously but Kara was confused.

“Are you being ironic?” She asked. “When people say absurd things it’s usually be-because they’re being ironic.”

“No! I’m serious, Danvers.” Lena moved further from Kara to show surprise. “It’s a real fear, you know?”

“Real and irrational, but okay.” Kara said. “Anything else you’d change?”

“I feel that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be great and it feels as if nothing I do is ever enough.” Lena paused. “I love my mom but she was never one to say, ‘you’re doing great!’, ‘I am proud of you!’, even though I think it made me always want to be better, it wouldn’t hurt to hear that sometimes.” Lena took a deep breath and continued. “I was adopted when I was four after my biological mom died. I wonder every once in a while, what my mom – my real mom – would have been like, what she would have said, if she would have thought that I am good enough. There’s always this doubt in everything I do, if it’s right or wrong or if it’s good enough.”

“I think you’re do-do-doing great!” Kara looked at Lena with a smile.

“Thank you, little Danvers.”

Lena reached her hand closer to Kara’s and felt the warm skin of the blonde, for a moment, Lena wished to get closer to her, closer to her pink colored beautiful lips, but her thoughts were interrupted by Kara. “Do you wanna co-come to the roof? I want to show you so-something.”

“Let’s go!”

Kara excitedly got up and walked to her room, where she grabbed two beach chairs and a blue jacket. “You should get your coat. The sun will s-s-set in a bit and it’ll be cold.”

Only then, did Lena realize that it had been almost three hours that she was there with Kara, not that she cared, after all every moment with her sparked happiness inside Lena. Her smile was peaceful and watching Kara happily move her hands around in excitement felt just like watching the sunset at the beach. Kara was joy.

Lena followed Kara around the stairs, the blonde was almost running to the top and Lena wondered if she even realized how fast she was going. When they were finally done walking five floors up, Lena was out of breath, that was a reminder that she should probably go back to the gym.

“Don’t your neighbors ever come up here?” Lena asked as she was surprised that the roof was empty.

“A lot of my neighbors are s-s-students. Now, they’re either sleeping or s-s-studying for tomorrow’s class. I don’t have to because I always plan so I don’t get overwhelmed.” Kara placed the two chairs in a weird corner, with no right vision of the city, but Lena didn’t say anything. “Sit here, Le-Le-Lena.” Kara then, adjusted Lena’s chair to an almost one-hundred-and-eighty-degree position and she did the same with hers.

Kara checked her clock one last time and they sat together for five minutes, looking at the orange sky that slowly turned into black. Lena remembered her nights at home with Lex, both laying on the grass and looking at the stars. Lex would tell her the coolest stories and explain to her every detail he knew about the universe and the place they were live in. 

_‘Lex, why is that star brighter than the others?’ Lena had a sleepy voice and could barely keep her eyes opened._

_‘Because that’s not a star, Lee. That’s a planet, if I’m not mistaken, Venus. Look, if it’s a star it has a faded light, it’s like it’s twinkling, a planet doesn’t do that.’ Lex pointed at the stars and then back again at Venus. ‘Do you see the difference?’_

_‘There are so many of them. I wish I could go to space one day and touch them.’_

_‘Most of the stars we’re seeing don’t exist anymore, Lena. They are so far from us that by the time their light gets here, they have already exploded.’_

_By the time Lex finished, Lena was already asleep and all she remembers was waking up next morning on her bed._

“In a few minutes, we will see the Boeing 747-8 from Lu-Lu-Lufthansa going right above us.” Kara said. “It will come behind our heads and we will watch it pass through our visi-sion field until it gets higher and higher up in the air and it m-m-makes its own route to Frankfurt.”

Kara could already hear the loud sound of four engines working to get the airplane up in the air, she knew it was coming and it was one of her favorite moments of the day. Every day, at the same time, she would hear the four engines working their way to Frankfurt as the sun went down. Although she is not a fan of loud noises, this is one she always expected to hear. Whenever the plane was too late or it didn’t pass, it was almost as if her day was not complete.

“What I lo-lo-love the most about airplanes, is that when you’re there, you just are there. You can’t be anywhere else. No one can contact you, there is nothing else to worry about except that you are flying like a bird.” Kara explained and by this time, Lena could also hear the machine go through the sky. “To me, it’s almost like going down a mountain in skies, there’s nothing else you can think about, but the f-f-fact that you’re there. Everything is calm up there. The only noise there is, is from the engines and they’re almost calming to hear.”

Lena could see the airplane clear right now and she could also hear it very clearly. She thought of every single person inside and where they were headed and why they were headed. For a moment, she wondered if anyone could catch a glimpse of the moment she was experiencing with Kara. She wished she could freeze that bit in time and always come back, to experience the peace and the joy of that time.

The airplane passed by and just like Kara said, it kept going higher and higher, until it disappeared into the clouds. Lena got a little scare as she felt Kara’s cold hand approach her, but she made sure to wrap her hand and make it a little warmer as they sat there and enjoyed the sky. Until they abandoned the chairs and sat on a mattress on the floor, both facing each other’s faces. Kara would eventually look away, too nervous about the physical and eye contact she needed to keep, but Lena made sure she was comfortable.

Kara did not know for sure what she was doing when her cold lips reached Lena’s. She had forgotten the most important rule Alex has taught her: asking. The brunette was surprised when she felt Kara’s cold hand in her neck, but she didn’t pull away, she embraced the kiss as if she were the one who started it.

It isn’t clear how long the two women stayed there, saying nothing and enjoying each other’s company (and lips), but Lena made sure to be home in time to take a shower and have a good night of sleep. Kara, on the other hand, couldn’t fall asleep of excitement of what had happened, her night was full of hand-flapping and jumps around, because for the first time, she had felt comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter has been ready for awhile but I spent days wondering if they should kiss or not. This girl here SUCKS at any kind of human relationship and I completely rely on my therapist to tell me what I to do lol and well, I haven't seen her for awhile so I had to figure this out on my own. I hope you liked it (sorry if it was too soon or inappropriate i honestly have no idea).


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry I went missing... I promise not to do that again – I've since adapted to my Corona routine and things are going well again. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Kara was exhausted when she got home on Monday. Going to sleep at 3 in the morning on the night before had not been a good idea taken the busy day she had forward, but she felt as if she could not shut her mind up. When a lot of things caused Kara to be happy, she would feel overstimulated. She loved her birthday parties as a child, but the emotion was too much. She felt so happy and still most of the times she could not handle the happiness. Walking in circles, flapping her hands and applying some pressure on her head helped, but she mostly had to wait it out.

Growing up she learned how to avoid situations in which she felt overstimulated, she learned the signs her body would give her and she was able to control her feelings before they became too much, but it did not always work – she could not keep herself from all the feelings she had inside after spending the day with Lena.

She was ready for bed when her eyes lit up and her heart beat a little faster by her phone ringing and a message from Lena, asking her about the class. The day for the brunette had not been one of the bests – a busy week at L-Corp was coming and she was just trying to keep herself sane for as long as possible.

Kara did not feel disappointed at her class, although she felt like most of the kids did not really understand the message she wanted to pass on because the class was so quiet. That alone did not mean she was a bad teacher, just that the kids did not enjoy philosophy that much – that is what Lena told her. At some point, Lena stopped responding and Kara imagined the brunette had fallen asleep, so she closed her eyes for a few seconds on the sofa and woke up next morning barely able to move her body from the pain.

Kara rode to her therapist appointment later that day and her doctor helped her understand how to further her relationship with Lena. The blonde had been working for a long while to learn how to live in a neurotypical world but a lot of things were still hard for her.

“I feel like I’m on an airplane and I get that feeling right before we start fly-flying, when the airplane runs on the runway.” She explained to her therapist.

“Well, Kara, this is how most people feel when they start to like someone.”

“Is it gonna be like Plato’s la-ladder of love for me? Or do you think it’s gonna be something more like S-schopenhauer? I chose Le-Le-Lena because she corrects my flaws but my only des-s-sire is to procreate and as soon as I procreate or when I feel fulfilled my desi-desire will vanish?”

“You’ll have to excuse me if I get something wrong, I’m not a philosophy expert like you, but, I’m pretty sure you like Lena for more than her physical appearance already. You’ve talked about how you two can talk about airplanes and about her work, so I would say you’re already up in that ladder.” The therapist smiled. “I know you like to study things and understand feelings as if they were material objects, but maybe you should set this explanation out for now. As much as I’m concerned philosophy of love is a narrow topic that not many have discussed and as you mentioned there are definitely some weird views like Schopenhauer’s.” She paused. “Kara, take it slow. You don’t have to love her right away, you don’t have to be sure of your feelings, just feel them. Let yourself feel. You’re still getting to know each other, learning things about one another. Just because you kissed, it doesn’t mean you’re both ready to marry, it doesn’t mean you’re ready to write love poems about her.” That made things a little clearer for Kara.

“How am I gonna know if this is just a t-temporary feeling? What if the pa-ssion stops a month from now or so? How would I know if she’s the right one?”

“In my own experience as a therapist and as a human – your feelings for someone you love will never really die. What you are experiencing right now is ‘falling in love’ and I can assure you this feeling is strong and powerful like you described, but you won’t feel this way forever.” She explained. “If she’s the one, which you don’t have to know now, you will appreciate her, you will value her as a person.”

“There’s a concept in philosophy that t-t-talks about valuing someone as lo-love!” Kara said happily. “Lo-love means to value someone for themselves and such an a-appraisal center on the dig-dignity of someone. The m-most interesting thing about this view is that philosophers be-believe you can’t simply s-swap a person for someone with the same characteristics because this is violating the d-dignity of that person.”

“See, you’re getting it in your own way, that’s how we work things out slowly, but as I said, you don’t have to find an explanation for love right away, you have to try and just feel it.” The therapist responded. “Are there any other feelings you have been experiencing regarding your relationship with Lena?”

“I guess I’m also quite scared. I, um, I- I have never done this before. I have never dated. I’m afraid I can’t comm-mmunicate with her properly. How can I get to know her more? What do I do from now on?”

“The most important thing in a relationship with anyone is being honest – I know you’re good at that.” She smiled. “But I think it is important that we keep working on understanding your own feelings, your own needs as they come up and then we can learn how to communicate them to Lena. For now, you should find opportunities to hang out with her, to let her know you’re interested. Does anything come to your mind?”  
  


“I can invite her over to my house again.”

“That’s a great start. You can ask if she wants to go to a park, you can ask if she would like to have café with you.”

“How frequently though?”

“Once or twice a week for a start is good. As you get more comfortable you can invite her over for the weekend, for a trip and so on. You’ll notice she will also invite you out, so you don’t have to do all the work by yourself. A relationship is always 50/50.” She continued. “Don’t forget to text her, you can do that every day if you want. Ask her how she is doing, if she has any news, how was her work and all of those things we have been learning.”

“If she invites me out twice a week, d-does that mean I don’t have to invi-vite her anymore?”

“You can always hang out with her if you wish to see her. If she wishes to see you too, she’ll say yes. But if she says no, it also doesn’t mean she doesn’t wanna see you, maybe she’s just caught up at work or maybe she needs a break from people. You often need a break from people, don’t you?” Kara answered a yes. “It is fine if you don’t always see each other twice a week, or three times a week. It’s also okay if you need a break from her. We’ve been talking a lot about respecting your own boundaries, right? Don’t make yourself more sociable than you feel like, don’t make yourself handle things you don’t feel comfortable with.”

Kara looked at the woman like she expected her to say something else. “But, for clearance, if she does invite you over twice, you should wait until next week to invite her again.” Kara looked relieved.

The therapist always found it interesting in her autistic patients the need for concrete rules, concrete checklists, concrete concepts and so on. They could see if they were doing things step by step, in the right way, with a good and clear explanation. With Kara, it was not different, but teaching her patients to deal and understand abstract concepts is one of the hardest things to do as well as one of the most important.

“How can I get to know her without being annoying?” Kara asked. “I’m re-really scared of being boring or annoying but I just want to t-t-talk to her and I want to know every single detail about her but I know I should notice when my t-t-talking becomes boring.”

“From what you have told me, Lena seems a very understanding and nice person and you guys seem to get along very well, so I can’t see how she could be bored with you. Do you get bored with her?” Kara signed a no. “You’re not boring, Kara. Just because you feel like it’s hard to keep a conversation going, it doesn’t mean it’s any less interesting to talk to you.” She paused. “Do you plan on telling her that you’re autistic?”

“I haven’t thought about it yet. I’m not sure what she’ll think, what if she d-d-doesn’t want a relationship with s-someone like me at all?” Kara asked. “You know touch is hard for me, I’m not very good with other people’s emotions and what if she l-l-loves to cuddle and do these things that l-l-lovers do, I don’t know, um, what if I’m too weird for her?”

“Remember what we’ve been working on. When you start thinking about all the what ifs what is it that we have to do?”

“Focus on the s-s-s-steps.”

“Yes, you’re right. Right now, your first step is getting to know her, spending time with her and understanding who she is. We will follow the steps just like a checklist – just like the one pilots use on their airplanes, one thing at a time, and then we start flying, right?” Kara agreed. “We still need to keep working on you though. You have a disability, Kara. It doesn’t make you weird, it just makes you a little bit different and that is okay. I’ll keep reminding you of this as much as I can, but you have to remember it too.”

––––––

Both Kara and Lena were impatient to get to know each other more and more. The two women talked up until late everyday of that week and some after. Lena had not found any time to see Kara in some time because of her extremely busy schedule at L-Corp. Calling each other every day, although, made their day complete, it was almost like a ritual. Kara enjoyed that moment with Lena. Kara called and taught Lena how to play flight simulator on the videogame. Lena was bad, but it was fair because she had to use the console controller, Kara on the other hand had saved enough for a flight yoke system and rudder pedals.

For the first time in her life, Kara felt connected to someone. She did not know for sure how to describe that but they just understood each other. Kara could be herself and herself only and that had never felt so good before. 

The Luthor was falling hard – so hard for the blonde girl with the soft voice she listened through her phone. She could tell Kara was somehow different, but by her lack of knowledge on the subject, she could not pinpoint exactly what it was. She often caught herself thinking about Kara, during meetings and while trying to do important work. The Luthor made sure to buy more books on philosophy, so that she could discuss it next time she sees Kara, but she was so tired of dealing with work she barely made it through ten pages without falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you go, if any of you have or had any kind of relationship with autistic people or anyone with a disability I would really love to hear how it was. I know what it's like to be the autistic person in a relationship but I have no idea how it feels for someone else to deal with it (I know it isn't always easy or typical), so I'm looking for experiences I can use to describe Lena's side:).


End file.
